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10 Books to Become a Master at Understanding Others
Matt Karamazov
March 24, 2025 • Estimated Reading Time: 31 minutes
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I’ve spent 34+ years on this planet, I’ve read these 10 books (and 1,360 more!), and I’m still mystified by people. You people don’t make sense to me at all!
But over the years, and after reading great books like the ones I’m sharing in this newsletter, I’ve begun to sense a few patterns, and learn a thing or two about a thing or two when it comes to human nature.
It’s a bit unrealistic to expect that you’ll suddenly “understand people” just by reading a few books, but these 10 are an excellent place to start, and here, as usual, I’ve included my complete notes and summaries of each one.
Before we dive into the subconscious depths of the human psyche though, I want to mention that I’m opening up a few spaces soon in my private coaching program for content creators.
After building an audience of 160,000+ people on social media and earning a full-time living online, I’m going to help 7-10 other content creators achieve similar results.
So if that sounds like something you’d be interested in, just fill out this form and I’ll be in touch! I did it on my own in six years, but you can do it in six months with my help!
And now…before our coffees get cold, let’s read!
Tonight, Inside The Reading Life, We’ve Got:
We’ve got lots to learn today, so let’s hit the books!
“Personal breakthroughs begin with a change in your beliefs. Why? Because your beliefs determine your expectations, and your expectations determine your actions. A belief is a habit of mind in which confidence becomes a conviction that we embrace."
"The people around you generally appear sane and in control of their lives. But put any of them in stressful circumstances, with the pressure rising, and you will see a different reality."
If I had been given The Laws of Human Nature as a textbook in high school, I probably would have learned something while I was there!
Seriously though, there is just so much here, and I believe that most people who have made a serious effort to absorb its lessons have been fundamentally transformed by what Robert Greene has to teach.
Human nature is one of the most expansive topics one could ever hope to cover in a single volume, so of course you're not just going to suddenly "understand people'' by reading it once through.
But I would argue that there's not much else that could be a better use of your time than making that serious effort to understand the hidden psychological motivations and triggers of others.
We deal with other people all day long, and yet we're constantly confused and deceived by their words and actions. They do things we don't understand, for reasons we don't have access to, and not all of them have our best interests at heart.
So this book is just as much about self-defense as it is about understanding your own nature and improving the quality of your close relationships.
But I wouldn't be doing justice to human beings if I made you think that The Laws of Human Nature is only about protection from the negative aspects of human nature. It's not that at all.
Human beings are astonishing, spectacular, and extraordinary. We are amazing in our ability to connect with one another, solve problems together, console each other when faced with the inherent tragedies of human existence, and in our ability simply to rise above our circumstances.
Human beings are powerful, impressive, and awesome - but we're complicated. No one has figured us out yet, and with billions of different people all running into each other, speaking all these different languages, and carrying all these different struggles inside of themselves, we're bound to enter into conflict with one another sometimes.
The Laws of Human Nature, therefore, is also about turning inward, and understanding ourselves in new ways, so that we can take that newfound understanding back into the world with us, and co-exist without tearing ourselves and each other apart.
“People with well-developed emotional skills are also more likely to be content and effective in their lives, mastering the habits of mind that foster their own productivity; people who cannot marshal some control over their emotional life fight inner battles that sabotage their ability for focused work and clear thought.”
I have a strange memory of the time when I first read Emotional Intelligence. I wouldn’t say that I’m “proud” of this, but it definitely makes me smile every time I think about it.
Briefly, I remember driving downtown with the top down in my convertible, just absolutely blasting the audiobook version as loud as my speakers would go.
Don’t ask me why I did this. I guess it was to make fun of the people unironically driving around in circles with their music turned all the way up.
Anyway, neither they nor I were probably exhibiting much emotional intelligence in that scenario. Goleman’s book is a classic in the field of psychology, however, and while I’m not a serious person, I did take serious notes on this book.
He challenges the idea that IQ is the sole (or main) determinant of a person’s success in life, arguing instead that it comes down to a skillful mix of several different types of intelligence.
You probably know people with an IQ of 160 or higher who work for people with average IQs (at best). But until Daniel Goleman came along, this phenomenon was more or less a mystery. Through his pioneering research, he uncovered how the rational and emotional parts of our brains work together to bring us success, happiness, and fulfillment - or not.
There are many different reasons why someone of above-average intelligence would flounder, while those of us who blast audiobooks from their convertibles seem to do quite well in life.
A few of the factors at play include self-discipline, self-awareness, and empathy, and they each point to different ways of being smart.
Not just in a raw-firepower, high-IQ kind of way, but a way in which social wheels are greased, human-sized obstacles are overcome, and the rewards of life come quickly and easily.
This book will give you a great understanding of how these factors play out in the real world of human ambition, and how you can strengthen your emotional intelligence, taking you places mere IQ never could.
“If you think that moral reasoning is something we do to figure out the truth, you’ll be constantly frustrated by how foolish, biased, and illogical people become when they disagree with you. But if you think about moral reasoning as a skill we humans evolved to further our social agendas - to justify our own actions and to defend the teams we belong to - then things will make a lot more sense.”
After reading some of the best books, I come to think of them as puzzle pieces. They’re books with a tremendous amount of explanatory power - that change the way I view the world in a fundamental way - and The Righteous Mind is one of those books.
The core problem the book is trying to solve is why otherwise good, decent, intelligent people come to disagree so violently and irrationally when it comes to politics, religions, and other matters of crucial importance in our society. A massive topic, to be sure, but one that Haidt does a phenomenal job of making sense of in this book.
One of the main things to understand is that people are driven to certain conclusions under the sway of powerful emotions, and then use logic and reason to “justify” what they want to believe anyway.
The way he explains it is that the logical mind is kind of like a person trying to ride the “elephant” of emotion. The rider has no realistic chance of overpowering the elephant; they’re pretty much just coming along for the ride.
Moral intuitions, as Haidt refers to them, are positions that arise in the presence of different moral modular foundations, and are influenced by genetics and culture. He arranges them into the following categories: Care / Harm, Fairness / Cheating, Loyalty / Betrayal, Authority / Subversion, Sanctity / Degradation, and Liberty / Oppression.
Different people inhabit something akin to different moral universes, in which they care about and protect these different values to a greater or lesser extent than others.
The upshot of all this is that people tend to feel like these moral intuitions are self-evident truths, and literally cannot comprehend why others may not share similar concerns or values. The only viable explanation - according to the nonexistent reasoning skills of the elephant - is that people who disagree with them are “evil.” Opposite. Not to be trusted. Enemies of our moral universe.
Ever since reading The Righteous Mind I’ve been able (I think? Most of the time?) to transcend my own moral intuitions and see what people with different values and inhabiting different belief systems have to teach me.
It’s made me more open-minded, perceptive, and ultimately more patient and kind. I’ll still fight you if you say that Rocky IV isn’t the greatest movie ever though. Them’s fightin’ words!
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
This is another one of those books that you'd hate to get caught reading in public, but it's one that should definitely be read by nearly everyone.
Imagine reading a book called “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” sitting by yourself in Starbucks. I read this one on my phone for sure.
It's sold more than 15 million copies already though, and ever since reading it I’ve been recommending it all the time.
Dale Carnegie was an old-timey self-help guy with some excellent ideas on how to become more sociable, listen more attentively, rise higher in business, and just generally succeed at life, and his book has served me very well in life so far.
I’ve come to realize that being able to listen - without trying to think of what you’re going to say next, without glancing at your phone - is a literal social superpower in today’s world, and those who’ve read and internalized Carnegie’s message in this book will have a distinct advantage over those who remain oblivious to the bridges they’re burning by not possessing the kind of self-awareness taught in these pages.
My favorite story from the book actually is about when Carnegie once attended this socialite’s party in New York City. Cornered by his hostess, Carnegie let her talk on and on about herself, speaking perhaps 10% of the time about himself.
The next day, he became aware that the woman was going around telling everyone what a great conversationalist Carnegie was! Just by standing there listening! My own experiences as a nightclub bouncer definitely back this up.
Every single person you meet wants to feel important, and you can give them this gift. Easily! As soon as you step outside of your own world and enter theirs, you’re perfectly positioned to claim this superpower for yourself, and use it to go anywhere in life that you want to go.
“A well-known principle of human behavior says that when we ask someone to do us a favor we will be more successful if we provide a reason. People simply like to have reasons for what they do.”
This is one of the must-read classics of persuasion and it’s pretty much been the gold standard for books on that subject ever since it came out in 1984.
I’m generally distrustful of new books from people who claim to have found a “new paradigm” or whatever when it comes to influence – save your time and your money and just buy this one book.
The seven universal principles of persuasion that he covers in depth are: reciprocity, commitment, social proof, authority, liking, scarcity, and unity, and once you have those covered, you have more than a decent idea of why people do pretty much anything, and how you can influence their behavior to align with what you want them to do.
Influence, like The 48 Laws of Power, is amoral – meaning, it’s not the material itself but what you do with it. You could use it to become an evil genius, or you could use it to inspire positive change in both yourself and your community. The principles can be used either way. The choice, as always, is yours.
“When it seems like the world is ending, being willing to help others is the antidote to fear.”
I had middling expectations going into this book - honestly, I didn’t even really know what to expect. Just a book, written by this former Secret Service agent (okay, I admit it, I noticed her because she’s hot), about transforming yourself into a stronger, more confident, more powerful person.
In the end, however, I came away extremely impressed! Something about judging a book by its cover…
Anyway, as the title would suggest, the book is about cultivating mental toughness, being ready for anything, and navigating a world where danger lurks behind every corner.
Maybe not every corner, but you’ve gotta stay safe out there, and you have to understand people. FBI agents are masters at understanding others, and there’s a lot you can learn from people like Evy. She’s the real deal.
Becoming Bulletproof won’t take you long to read, but you’ll learn how to carry yourself in a way that commands and demands respect, read people (at least better than before), prepare for the unexpected, stay safe while traveling, defend yourself from intimidators and people that wish you harm, and a lot more.
But perhaps the greatest benefit of reading the book is that it’ll show you how to lead a fearless life.
“We think we can easily see into the hearts of others based on the flimsiest of clues. We jump at the chance to judge strangers. We would never do that to ourselves, of course. We are nuanced and complex and enigmatic. But the stranger is easy. If I can convince you of one thing in this book, let it be this: Strangers are not easy."
What should you know about people you don't know? Is it really that easy to tell when we're being lied to? Are we too trusting?
We share the world with about eight billion strangers, though it's been said that the highest number of people with whom we can reasonably expect to maintain close, stable relationships is about 150 (“Dunbar’s Number”). So what's a person to do? How can we protect ourselves from being taken advantage of, without mentally reducing the world outside our front doors to liars, cheaters, scammers, charlatans, and psychopaths?
In this book, Malcolm Gladwell explores the human tendency to "default to truth," by which he means our tendency to take people at face value, and then to go on our merry way. This isn't always a bad thing - which is an important point. But many times, it leaves us open to being robbed, cheated, manipulated, or worse.
This keeps happening to people, again and again, and again; yet we still don't learn from even spectacular failures of communication, and episodes of misplaced trust.
Indeed, in the book, Gladwell leads the reader through an extremely engaging (I ripped through the book in a little over a day) series of stories about a Wall Street trader cheating people out of billions of dollars, a Cuban spy ring operating in the middle of the CIA for years and years, to sexual predators who should have been caught way, way earlier; he even explores why only a few of the people who were following Hitler's rise to power ever considered him to be dangerous!
So clearly, we've been duped in the past. But on the other hand, what if humans tended to go the other way? What if we assumed that everyone was always lying to us? What kind of a society would that be like?
Maybe it's better to suffer a few (potentially disastrous) lapses in judgment in order to keep society flowing along more or less smoothly?
In the end, the whole situation resists easy answers. Critics and reviewers wanted more answers (and more research) from Gladwell than he offered in this book, but for those of us who need all the help we can get when talking to strangers, these are the types of questions we should be meditating upon.
“Negotiation is the art of letting someone have your way.”
I’ll make a deal with you: you read this book summary to the end, and I’ll teach you some of the most astonishing tactics I’ve learned from the former lead international kidnapping negotiator for the FBI, Chris Voss, for getting exactly what you want in the giant negotiation that is your life.
While we discuss this book, I want you to feel like you are being treated fairly at all times. So please stop me at any time if you feel I'm being unfair, and we'll address it (that’s one of the magical phrases you’ll learn, by the way, and Voss will teach you exactly why it works so tremendously well).
Alright, so that opening joke was funny for about two paragraphs, but seriously: you can get almost anything you want in life; you just have to learn how to ask correctly. That’s exactly what you’ll learn here, and how you’ll learn to think, once you internalize some of the lessons from this book.
Negotiation is simply the art of letting someone have your way, and the days of threatening people with grievous physical harm, or trying to otherwise dominate them are over.
Sophisticated negotiators don’t work like that anymore, relying as they do on empathy, active listening, and all that other stuff that doesn’t make for great TV, but that gets real hostages in the real world back to their real families with all their real parts intact.
“Man not only lives in this moment, but expands his inner self to yesterday, his curiosity to centuries ago, his fears to five billion years from now when the sun will cool, his hopes to an eternity from now.”
This book about the subconscious fear of death and how it motivates much of human behavior won the Pulitzer Prize in 1974, but the man behind the book was just as interesting as its subject matter. I never met the guy, but he might just be one of my favorite university professors.
Becker taught at the University of California, Berkeley, where he was so beloved by his students that they once got together and offered to pay his salary after learning that the university wasn’t going to renew his contract!
Many times - while teaching, for example, King Lear, anthropology, and whatever else - he’d come to class in full costume, full of life and energy and enthusiasm for learning.
When he died at the age of 49 from colon cancer, the academic world lost someone very special, and I’d personally recommend several of his other books too, including The Birth and Death of Meaning, and Escape from Evil.
The Denial of Death is one of my favorite books, and its main thrust is that being alive - as fragile beings with no satisfying explanation for why we’re here - is so terrifying that in response to this realization, the majority of people retreat into a socially constructed self that basically forms a psychological defense against the reality of death.
Becker also believed that these psychological defenses prevent us from discovering who we really are, and not only that, are also responsible for much of the evil that’s present in the world.
It’s not an “easy” read, by any means, and one of its strengths is that it gives a person very little room to hide, or rationalize away his conclusions.
With brilliantly reasoned arguments, he shows how this subconscious fear of death limits our lives, prevents accurate self-knowledge, and, if not surmounted through the pursuit of “genuine heroism,” casts a dark shadow across our full human potential.
“The world of human aspiration is largely fictitious, and if we don't understand this, then we understand nothing about man.”
Ever since being completely shattered by his other book, The Denial of Death, I've been obsessed with Ernest Becker's ideas about human meaning, the subconscious fear of death, and genuine heroism. I also highly recommend his later book, Escape from Evil, but this book right here is enough heaviness for one day!
The Birth and Death of Meaning is a book about our social fictions, the lies we tell ourselves in order to live.
More specifically, Becker shows - touring through the fields of anthropology, psychology, spirituality, and even poetry, mythology, and more - how the greatest desire of human beings is to pursue genuine heroism, and to be regarded as beings of primary value in an objectively meaningless universe.
The unlimited cravings for self-esteem, love, and respect has shaped the development of our societies throughout history, and Ernest Becker was brilliant at showing the connection between these cravings and how human beings show up in the world, the narratives we create and play out in our daily lives.
Every one of Becker’s books is written with this genuine affection for human beings, and a compassion for our unique existential situation that he lived out in his real life too. He died decades ago, but he’s one of those people I would have loved to have known personally, and who makes me proud to be alive on this planet.
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OK, that’s it for now…
I’ve got plenty more excellent book recommendations coming your way soon though!
There’s also my YouTube channel, where I publish book reviews, reading updates, and more each week.
And if you want to learn how I’ve built an audience of 160,000+ followers across social media, became a full-time creator, and how I’m rapidly growing my audience and my profits in 2025, join us inside Creator Launch Academy and that’s exactly what I’ll teach you — we’d love to have you in the community!
With that said, I hope you enjoyed this edition of The Reading Life, and enjoy the rest of your day!
Until next time…happy reading!
All the best,
Matt Karamazov
P.S. Whenever you're ready, here are two more ways I can help you:
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